WASHINGTON, D.C.–The U.S. Department of Justice has issued new guidance on the operation of fire hydrants. The guidance and proposed rulemaking were announced at a White House press conference called by Attorney General Loretta Lynch and attended by President Barack Obama.

 “While tasked primarily as an adjunct to fire-fighting activities, the U.S. government is cognizant that hydrants function as public accommodations for our canine companions, and as vital hubs of their communications infrastructure. This administration and the Department of Justice staunchly support the rights of dogs of any gender identity, cis or trans, neutered or spayed, gay or straight, to seek relief, unmolested and uninterrupted by overzealous antagonists,” said Lynch, reading from a prepared statement. The new guidance is meant to clarify any ambiguities regarding public policy with respect to governmental interference in canids’ bodily functions.

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump immediately took to Twitter to mock “Mangy” Loretta and “Barking” Barack. Trump vowed to build a “tall wall” around standpipes to keep out horny Chihuahuas, and endorsed a “temporary ban” on all Salukis and Sarabis, but claimed that he maintained “the utmost respect for bitches.”

Some animal-rights activists were chagrined by the controversy surrounding the new guidelines. A highly placed source within the headquarters staff of the Norfolk, Virginia-based People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, speaking on condition of anonymity, since she was not authorized to comment publicly on the matter, declaimed, “Why is this even a thing?”

Reached for comment in Raleigh, embattled North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory locked himself in the recently-installed gubernatorial Porta Potty, and expressed solidarity with Texas Republicans seeking secession.